


I Thought

by DarkestInfatuations



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Assumptions, Depression, Heartbreak, M/M, Pseudo-Incest, angry turtles, broken raphael, change, shit tons of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-16
Updated: 2013-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-29 14:44:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1006631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkestInfatuations/pseuds/DarkestInfatuations
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Donatello thinks he's picking up the pieces of Raphaels' broken heart. But who's been picking up the pieces all along?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Thought

**Author's Note:**

> Done for a contest held by the ever-lovely Succubii over on DeviantArt!

You know, before this all began between he and I, I thought I knew him. Every seemingly spur of the moment action he gave was nothing more than a lucky coincident, every perfectly screamed curse a swell fall from the walls he'd built around his heart, everything he does an echo of who he used to be.  
  
And I thought I knew just how hurt and broken Raphael had become. I'd seen his heart breaking inside his eyes, the rippling tides of amber and gold sucking mine in to break with his. More than anything, I remember how bad I had ranted to run to him, to reach out blindly and find all the pieces where they'd fell, and put them back together again.  
  
After all, I'm good at fixing things.   
  
But I couldn't take back the things Leo said, the way Mikey acted unthinkingly, the decisions master splinter made; I couldn't erase the pain they caused. For how strong my Raphael _– yes, my Raphael –_ was, it still hurt him. It hurt him more than Leonardo, Michelangelo, and even Splinter could see put together.   
  
"I ain't yer pet project, Donatello!"  
  
"Raphael, I don't want to fix you!"  
  
Another lie. I remember those carefree smiles, the twinkling joy in his eyes, how he'd grab my hand and touch my heart. How he never worried, when he never cried, the things he said and did… I wanted my Raphael back. I want my Raphie back.  
  
"I ain't tha' same person no more. N' guess what, genius? He ain't commin' back!"  
  
"But Raphie, I know –" the swift smack to my face left me breathless. I stumbled, unprepared for the attack. I snapped my head back to him, tears in my eyes. My heart hurt worse than my face did, but somehow, the magnitude of pain in his eyes far outweighed mine. I took a moment to notice that he had dark angry circles beneath his eyes, his muscle mass had declined, and he looked pale. I thought he had been fine just the day before!  
  
"No. Ya' _don't_ know, Donnie. Ya' _**don't**_." The liquid anger poured into his eyes, seething from the broken spirit I'd just begun to see. His gaze was taking on a quality I'd only seen him give to Michelangelo and Leonardo. Not at me.  
  
 _Never at me!_  
  
His lips pulled back in a snarl, and I could feel my sanity rattling around in my head before the growl left his throat.  
  
"Ya' think ya' know, wonder boy. But ya' just don't know this time. No, ya know what?" he turned, so his shell was facing me, looking at the door.  True, someone would come to interfere soon, but I knew he turned so that I wouldn't have to see the pain in his eyes. My Raphie, always taking the worlds burdens on his shoulders. He turned back, and I couldn't hardly stand to see the visage of anger he presented. Anger caused by me.  
  
"Ya don't know _**nothin'**_ 'bout **me**. Cuz' all ya' can think about is who I was!"   
  
"Raphie, I love-"  
  
"Who I _used_ ta' be."  
  
And somehow, I thought I knew that none of this would happen. That the look he was giving me would never be given. That he would never strike me, heart or body.   
  
"I love ya', Donnie. I really do. But ya don't fuckin' love me. Ya' love who ya' think I should be! Who I ain't no more! And nothin's gonna matter unless I go back to bein' somebody I ain't." He turned viciously, going for the door.   
  
Oh no, _no no **NO!**_  
  
"NO! Raphie, please!" I lunged forward, gripping onto his bicep for all I was worth. He wouldn't leave me. He wouldn't. He couldn't! I thought –  
  
"Let of m'arm, Donnie. I'm leavin'."  
  
" _ **NO!**_ No, I'm not letting you leave! I'm not!" He turned, and it was hard to see his face through the tears that had started to fall – but the broken anger in his golden eyes stopped me, the desperate pain cutting me like a knife.  
  
"Dun' make this any harder than it has ta' be."  
  
"Please, Raphie, I love you! I'll – I'll do _anything_! Just don't leave me," I sobbed, never loosening the grip on his arm. He couldn't leave.  
  
He just stared at me, hypnotizing me. It's like we relived every single second of our lives, every gut-wrenching twist and turn. That night I'd screamed at him because he didn't pay attention to me, the night he finally figured it out, the first time I gave my body to him, the night Splinter found out. Every memory was laid bare in those golden eyes, but they went dull. I thought I'd never have to see the day.  
  
"When ya' finally figure out who I am, Donnie, we'll start this again. When ya' can love me fer who I am without tryin' ta' change me," he calmly said. I sobbed again, tightening my grip.  
  
"I'm always gonna be here to hold ya' together, to protect ya'. But I ca – I just fuckin' can't live like this anymore. I can't keep trying to be someone I'm not fer ya'. It ain't right, Donnie." He drew in a shaky breath, blinking the mist out of his eyes.  
  
"It ain't right." He breathed again, a more stable intake of air. I could feel it strengthening his resolve, feeding his fire. But the fire was not present in his soul, his eyes back to the dull shade of yellow-olive.  
  
"When ya' can feel fer me without havin' ta' think about it, I'll be waiting."  
  
My face twisted as I started to realize all that I'd done, all that I'd managed to undo. I thought I'd been doing the right thing, that everything was okay…  
  
"But I-I _love you_ , Raphie," I said brokenly, trying to make him see. He looked away once, the dull olive turning to a burnt amber, his head lowering.  
  
"Sometimes, it's just not enough," he whispered. He pried my hands from his arm, and before I could so much as scream his name, he was gone.   
  
I fell to my knees, sobbing to myself. Where had I gone wrong? Nothing had changed, he'd been acting better, he'd let me inside his walls, he was angry less often. I thought he was getting better, that we were going in the right direction. I thought all these things… I had analyzed, I had seen it, it had been right… hadn't it?  
  
I stared blankly at the floor, my arms falling with a dull 'thud' as the dawning realization fell over me like a tidal wave.  
  
 _"No."_  
  
It was _me_ who'd been broken all along. I had shattered the day my Raphie was gone, and I had known I could never get him back. I was reaching blindly in the darkness for the shards of my own heart… and instead, I'd taken Raphaels as he had helped me look for my own. He'd given it freely, happily, trustingly.  
  
I had wanted nothing more than to help him… to love him… And I thought I had, that I was. But I'd done nothing but hurt him. Broken his trust in me. Tried to make him be the person I thought he would… no, should be. Just what everyone else had done to him all along.  
  
And that's when I'd broken the new heart he'd put together, to patch my own, thinking his cries of agony were caused by anyone other than me.  
  
Maybe the first thing I had done wrong was _think._


End file.
